Comic Pages….funny stuff (December 10, 2009)
Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.
>> He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
>> there any tips you can give to me?”
>> “Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround
>> with intelligent people.”
>> Obama frowns “But how do I know the people around me are really
>> The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them
>> an intelligent riddle.”
>> The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair
>> would you?”
>> Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
>> The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
>> a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
>> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be
>> “Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
>> Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the
>> “Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It’s not
>> your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
>> “I’m not sure,” says Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He goes to
>> his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
>> he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes
in the next
>> Biden asks Powell, “Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother
>> father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who
>> Colin Powell yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
>> Biden smiles, and says, “Thanks!” Then, he goes back to speak with
>> “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
>> Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his
>> you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said "it has to be at least 8 characters long".
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ’I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says..
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
asked, “Sir, what will you have?”
The man thought a moment then replied, “A martini please.”
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.
The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”
The man answered “oh, about 164.”
The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’,
‘inter-steller space travel’, ‘the latest medical break throughs’,
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? “A Martini please.”
Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?”
This time the man answered, “Oh about 100″. So the robot started
discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect
the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?”??
This time the man drawled out “Uh….. bout 50″.
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
“A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quickie’ with their8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- ‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he shouted.
- ‘An ambulance just drove by!’
- ‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he called out.- ‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’- ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’- ‘Jason is on his skate board!’- After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having sex!!’Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiouslycalled out, ‘How do you know they’re having sex?”Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.’
“Mrs. Sanders, please.”
“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.
“Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”
”Well, what am I supposed to do now? ““The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.’
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’
Wife: (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Señora…the gardener did..’
Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.*************************************************
The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer. His buddies asked, “How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave?”
Dave replied “Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol’lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, “Surprise”. When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want”.
“SO I DID AND HERE I AM!”
Lawyer Humor BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility…
Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with the same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?’
Al Gore, Bill Clinton & Barrack Obama go to Heaven,
> God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”
> Al replies: “Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your
> will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”
> God thinks for a second and says: “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”
> God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
> Bill replies: “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a
> grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against
> me.” ;
> God thinks for a second and says: “You are forgiven, my son. Come and
> sit at
> my right.”
> Then God addresses Barrack. “Barrack, what do you believe in?”
> He replies: “I believe you’re in my chair.”
A pirate walked into a bar…
BARTENDER: Hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!
PIRATE: What do you mean? I feel fine.
BARTENDER: What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.
PIRATE: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.
BARTENDER: Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
PIRATE: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine now.
BARTENDER: What about the eye patch?
PIRATE: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.
BARTENDER: You’re kidding! You lost an eye just from bird crap?
PIRATE: It was my first day with the hook!
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, ’Hmm, this person looks familiar.’
The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, .. I know ‘em all.’
A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’
The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy . it’s W.’
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
Nun, Too Funny!
Two nuns are painting a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice gazongas,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
|A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine
was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!
He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”