Alabama Breaking News
Nick Saban Resigns, Returns to LSU!!!!!
April Fools! April Fools! April Fools!
labama Joke….yes finally found one!
George finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He
found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,
“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed over from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here
when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material
found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove
the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
“But…. but…. that’s impossible,” stutters George. “You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, no problem,” replies the woman. “On the South side of the island,
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the Hardware.
George is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
George looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he
can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call
it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I built a Still. How about
a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on
her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable.. Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, George goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
“WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “what next?
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been
out here for a really long time. I know you’ve been lonely. There’s
something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve
been longing for all these months. You know. She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing!
“You mean … he swallows excitedly, “We can watch the Alabama football
games from here?”
There were three people being executed via electric chair for committing a serious crime. One was an Alabama graduate, one a Vanderbilt graduate, and the other, an Auburn graduate. They were told that if they could survive, they could go free. The Alabama guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked, “Do you have any last words?” The Alabama guy said, “Yeah. Roll Tide!”. The executioner pushed the button, but the Alabama guy survived so he got to go free. The Vanderbilt guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked him if he had any last words. He said, “Yeah. Go Vandy!” The executioner pushed the button, but the Vanderbilt guy survived so he got to go free. The Auburn guy now went to the electric chair, and again the executioner asked, “Do you have any last words?” The Auburn guy said, “Yeah. Your electric chair is unplugged.”
Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
You’re probably an Auburn fan if …
… You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
… Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
… The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, “What’s that smell?”
… You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
… You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
… You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
… You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
… You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.
… Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.
… Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests
This ex-Awbun football player had been in school so long pursuing his degree that the faculty and alumni were beginning to be embarassed. One prof came up with the “bright” idea to put the chump in Jordan-Hare stadium and ask him one question infront of the student body. If he answers correctly, he gets his degree. So on the big day Bubba walks calmly to the 50 yard line and fields his question: “What is one plus one?” After 10 suspense-filled minutes he blurts out “two!” and the whole Awbie student body goes, “Oooooooh give him another chance!!”
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Auburn, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Auburn, son.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed”. This confused him. That night he told his Dad. “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Auburn?” he asked.
“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza!
Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters. The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, “Wow, where did you win all that?” To which the Auburn fan replies, “You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!”
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top. An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground. The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out ” We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot”
I promise I’m still looking.